the clouds and raindrops falling inside my phone screen predicted panic.
 
for a lady who loves sun and light to the point of flirting with the border of worship i was a little heartbroken that the weekend of my retreat–planned and curated to loving perfection–was maybe probably going to be totally ruined by rain. growl.
 
but of course like everything that comes to us unexpectedly, it was laced with silver lining and a completely different feeling than i had ever anticipated or dreamed of creating, but it was there waiting for me to lean in. so lean in we did. (and bonus, everyone got to see how i work in hard–dark–indoor light situations and try their hand at it!)
 
it feels trite to me that the only thing i can talk about in relation to the retreat is the weather, but to describe anything else would feel overblown and so sugar coated you would think it couldn’t possibly be real. so the only thing to say is that for me, it was pure and complete heaven on earth for three days. it filled my heart up and overflowed it out. i ran on adrenaline presenting and shooting and sharing and loving the crap out of everyone who was there. (i still miss them every day. to share so much and then have to go back to real life…it was a bit like having an ice bucket dumped on my head. or maybe how the heroes feel when the Fab 5 leave after a week of coaching and care and life-changing everything. wahhh.)
 
creating together with people who understand and see you is an experience for which i haven’t found an equal in any other sphere of life. this need we all have to create and to be seen–when those blend in perfect swirl it’s truly otherworldly. the souls who came co-created that with me and it was just a huge, huge GIFT.
 
and now, before you squint or eyeroll or gag at the intensity of how much i friggin love my own retreat–haha–i’ll get to the images.

And yes, hello, if you’re wondering if there will ever be another Love Soaked Retreat the answer is HOLY YES! Spring 2019, details to come. Sign up to be notified via email when deets go live here.
Also if you’re wondering if you can have your family photographed by me the answer is again HOLY YES and you can email me right here for all the pricing and availability m’love.

every year winter feels so long and so dark and dreary and dreadful i’m sure spring will never come again.

and then, the trees grow buds and blossom and i sob into those blossoms sometimes with sadness and sometimes with happiness but either way, spring came and it was felt.

now it’s summer though so why we talkin bout spring?

here’s the part where I laugh at my own intensity because I want to blow this up into something bigger, which is this:

our lives are littered with love all year round even though we feel it more at some times than others–I keep thinking about how we lose the people we love and then find them again, lose ourselves and then find ourselves again. Lots of times without realizing it, until we’re found once more. So like the seasons changing maybe it’s all one cyclical round of knowing and forgetting, losing and finding, seeking and discovering. Some days that sounds like a big ball of tired to me, but mostly I want to welcome that search with open hands.

(ps just have to let you know: this is what it looks like when i accidentally hurt your child 13 times and they just want to eat marshmallows the whole time. it’s fine, really and truly.)

HELLO guess what if you’re still reading you might be interested in a family session of your own, in which I unfortunately can’t promise not to accidentally hurt your children but I CAN promise to give you images that show you something deeper than just painted smiley cookie cuttered usual-ness. It’s all there, it’s all real and it all deserves to be seen. Let’s chat about your family session.

it’s funny how humans can be so guarded, because we reveal parts of ourselves unintentionally, everywhere

like leaving a map of footprints back to our truest heart.
 
i’ve never understood people who can hide their feelings (surprise surprise I’m not one of ’em)–and the idea that we even should hide them is honestly still foreign to me. I get that most people do it out of habit, to protect themselves, and because it admittedly *can* be a bit off-putting and maybe dangerous to jump into a stranger’s arms the first time you meet and spill your deepest guts on their freshly laundered wholly presentable normal-people clothes. 🙂
 
So of course there’s some magical elusive “happy medium” where we all get to skip small talk and go right to things that matter but without any risk or rejection or discomfort. please and thank you.
 
It makes me smile that we as humans have figured out SO many things–we have created incredible technology, mind boggling inventions and achievements that make our lives so much easier and more enjoyable and all around fabulous–but we haven’t been able to hack our human experience yet. We still have to grapple with tough emotions, every single one of us, and there’s no permanent way to avoid or sidestep pain, grief, anger, disappointment, shame. There’s part of me that’s like, “HEY, we’ve invented the iphone and indoor plumbing and 3D printing, why can’t we just have a parade of positive emotions and experiences all the day? Why haven’t we spent time figuring out how to rid ourselves of the emotions that bring so much suffering to people all over?”
 
But the wise part of me knows that it is essential for us to struggle inside our humanness, to make room for the glory. And certainly we can help ourselves and others suffer less, and surely we’ve got a whole lot more sadness than is necessary, but to be true to who we are (the whole version) we have to feel it all. To turn over those hard parts in our hands, not in a frantic panic to rid ourselves of them forever, but to give ourselves the gift of having seen life in full color, rich and blinding and intense but forever worth it.

 

i feel it bowl me over every time–no matter if we’re in central park or in your tiny first home–the ache of loving someone else so much it rips you and heals you

and their little heart beats outside of yours but you feel in sync

until you don’t

and you see how every milestone comes with a letting go–

he takes his first steps and soon he won’t need you to carry him anymore, soon you’ll have to ask permission to hold him close

he wants to explore and run on his own and you want to let him

despite the fear of all the desolation that lives outside your warm arms

but he still reaches out his hand for your face and the grace

of being loved back

so unconditionally and wholly

is what flattens me.

HEY yes it’s true this session was in central park in nyc and although i don’t photograph much outside of utah, if you’re outside of utah and feeling a little pouty like why can’t brooke come to my city GUESS WHAT I just might. Send me a message with where in the world I should go and I’ll keep you updated on future travel.

women have the power to transport us and transform us.

the unexpected part is that it happens through transforming themselves.

we were all transformed first by a woman who transformed herself in pregnancy and birth.

that life giving force is in all of us, whether literally or figuratively on any given day. to give life to others and give it to ourselves at the same time–that is the quest of my womanhood, for sure, and I think in some application for all of us. we change every day, every minute, so when jared comes home and asks, “how was your day?” i never have any idea where to start because my day was a glob of moments, some beautiful, some hard, some mundane, some boring, some otherworldly. it seems we women are the guides who light the path in gliding through all those, starting in childhood with recognizing and naming emotions, and holding space, and loving daily and differently based on their needs and ours, and trying to find the overlapping moments that feed us both.

i have adored the book Gift From The Sea since high school, when i internalized maybe half of it, having no family of my own to apply to, but my first exposure to gorgeous words of self reflection about what it meant to be a woman, and to be human–jus’ listen: “When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.”

Hi hey hello it’s Brooke family photographer lady based in Utah who wants to photograph you and your people because every moment you are changing, remember, so photographs freeze you and them exactly as it is right now and that is something of unparalleled beauty so THERE. so let’s chat about your session.

okay okay. i’ve been hiding.
 
from the internet.
 
how silly does that sound.
 
but being seen is both one of my greatest desires and greatest fears, as it is for lots of us human people. it’s what we crave but it’s not easy. and i have been working really, really hard on my insides. to tolerate change that is good and growth but all of that stretches you and pulls you and then you have to decide and redecide whether you will be soft putty and enjoy the calling of changing into something new or to settle in as hard glass and shatter with new things.
 
everyone talks about how hard failure is, but no one talks about how hard SUCCESS can be to hold. we think, who am i to have this amazing family, a great marriage, a home i’m proud of, a business i like, a life that is the classic gold standard? how good is TOO good? if i get too many of those things on the checklist will anyone like me anymore? if i get too big will i have any friends? if i am TOO smart, brilliant, beautiful, talented, rich, or happy won’t that make me an obnoxious unicorn? too-perfect, intimidating, selfish, materialistic? it takes so much courage to become who we are. we love to tell people to go for their dreams, but what happens when you get there?
 
most of us keep ourselves inside a smaller life just because it’s comfortable, and we’re not willing to make the big leap to more success, joy, love, and fulfillment because it requires discomfort and leaving our old selves behind to get there. (This book changed my life by the way. Go pick it up. And with recommending anything on the interwebs these days, I gotta tell you that no, I don’t get any incentives or $$ for telling you about it. ha.)
 
this feels like the thing to say right before showing you a beautiful family that looks absolutely top-to-bottom head-to-toe perfect from the outside. and the old me probably would have said, wait wait before you look just know they have their struggles and heartaches too. (and that’s still true.) but the me today, right now, wants to say, can we hold a little more capacity in the world for beautiful success? for a family who looks amazing from these photos and IS actually amazing in real life? there’s a lot of debate about what’s “real” lately–we’re craving “real” moments, “real” bodies, “real” stories. I’m right there too. But sometimes the “real” just gets translated into, What’s the most terrible or messy? And every day, every minute, is full to the brim with soaring and aching, joy and sadness, love and the inability to choose love, so it’s ALL real, and we get to decide which piece of the story to show and share and believe and pay attention to.
 
That sounds like I want us to only give voice to the highlight reel, but if I can tell you anything, it would be this: every slice is deserving, every nuance and facet is what makes a kaleidoscope glittery and gorgeous all the way around.

 

well heyo. if you want photos of your family in your home I’d love to be your lady. Contact me right here and I’ll send all the pricing and availability to you lickety split.

peace and quiet.
the thing we raisers of humans crave but only have in short bursts.
and then the ones whose humans are raised love to tell us to ‘enjoy every minute’–but they forget how much they need that quiet rest, that space that’s full of nothing at all, only the hum of your insides.
my constant struggle is to enjoy even among the bursting seams of family life–the constant flicking of my attention from one to the other until my heart screams “ME! LOOK AT ME!” and to flutter my attention around more gracefully, instead of clawing my way through.

true silence
pure like drops of rain in the blue morning,
before they need me
and i want to see their eyes flutter open
dance to life
but i am sad to see the quiet go
and mourn the light dripping in without time to watch it

hold on til after lunch, i tell my heart
flicking my attention from one to the next
baths, diapers, clothes, spills and all the rest
(oh, to rest!
for as long as i want
what a queenly possibility
of regal proportions)
don’t mistake my tiredness for a badge of honor, though
i don’t wear it that high
it bites at my ankles
kisses my toes
bathes my calves in responsibility
and longing
and heartbreak
because the heart has to break to hold theirs inside
not obligation or martyrdom
but love, the kind that flows out of you strong and fierce before you can hold it in
and then i claw
to get a piece of me back
not realizing I’m all scattered away
but I am here

to rebuild anew with every fresh day.

 

Hey friend. Still here? You might be interested in a family session that captures more than just your faces and if that’s you–let’s chat. (I’ll send ya pricing and availability lickety split!)

there’s just no outside way to know if you’re getting it all wrong. no button that blinks, no barometer, none of those obnoxious speed limit signs that flashes “SLOW DOWN”, no grade, no measurement.
 
just your gut.
 
because your kids’ emotions are the oceans you swim in all day long, coaxing, coaching, compassion-ing on rafts or boats or whatever log happens to be there to let you float for a few minutes. and sometimes the most you want in the whole world is just a band aid fix, a candy cane to stop a tantrum–sometimes you’re sure that’s the best thing for everyone involved, and other times you are able to hover above and see that you encouraging, showing up, and holding the lines with emotional intelligence are the best things you can do because you are playing the longest game there ever was.
 
helping shape a human life
 
in a thousand small moments.
 
the test for most of us, i think, is not about any explosive “failure”, but rather the question of mediocrity. you can do motherhood on medium and probably no one will bat an eye. you can do life on quiet volume, check out and numb out, and maybe the only one who’ll ever know the difference is you. but that calling to be more–even and especially when we don’t feel like it–is the thing that breaks my heart and makes me long to improve and grow and change even if it takes every ounce of guts and courage under my skin.
 
as we swim together in those waves of emotion and shared but separate experience, i just really hope my kids see the swirling lightness among the dark. that seeing me at my lows gives them hope and a wholeness, a 360 view of what a human experience is–while walking that delicate forever-scarred line, you know. wink. if i figure out a formula for that i’ll let you know immediately, pinky promise. until then, i’ll keep trying to encapsulate the glitter and glow of the most stretching thing we ever raise our hands to show up for–love. the kind that forces you to choose, invites you to be present, is so simple, so easy, and so, so hard.

 

hey, you. if you’re longing for someone to see the glitter inside your most tender relationships PICK ME. Let’s chat about your session.

Lately I want to answer that how-are-you question with, “I’m amazing and also I’m hurting, I’m sad and afraid but totally joyful. Can I get back to you in ten minutes and tell you the truth? And hope that you won’t hold me to it, cause it’s impermanent and flowing through a zillion extremes?” Maybe this is only possible in doing a work I find excruciating but also the greatest honor of my life, so I vacillate between this lucky-in-love gratitude for this chance and, at its worst, horror at what I’ve somehow gotten myself into. I can admit that because I’m on my way to being past self judgment in some small way–to just notice that all of these are just thoughts, and that I don’t have to wrap up my identity in them, that they are separate from who I am.
 
Good mom, bad mom. Maybe some days I can just be a mom. No judgment qualifier. A mom with all the nuance of a person. A person with unquestionable worth–it’s just a fact that we cannot do anything to make ourselves more or less worthwhile. Our worth just IS. Fact. Not negotiable. So I can be a mom. Unglamorous, no drama, mama. And you know what? I think I could learn to like it that way.
 
(p.s. yes this is jillian goulding and yes she is radiant and the most thoughtful person you’ve ever met and yes her family is adorable and yes to everything you’re thinking. it’s all for real.)

 

hey sup cool cat. (yah i’m talking to you, i’m lookin atchu!) if you’ve been thinking of a family session with yours truly, i’d love to chat about it. contact me here and i’ll send full pricing and available dates your way in a snap, friend.

i like to have inside jokes with myself, like when i am running in the morning and i leap across the crosswalk and dance on the street corners. my neighborhood needs some pizazz, i tell you. and when dreamgirls is blasting in your ears after a ten year hiatus (wutz up rediscovering music i’d totally forgotten i’m in love with) you simply MUST dance.
 
i really wanted to capture that feeling of a mother and child here, that shared knowing, like the whole relationship is an inside joke that doesn’t need to be explained, a dance you intuitively know the steps to but still fall down a lot. whether anyone’s watching on the street corner, I just want to MOVE. That’s how I feel about motherhood too; I want to do it right for them, the babies, but also I want to do it right for me, because the practice of falling down and going at it again is hard, but they give me a soft place to land every time and for that I’ll never be able to thank my lucky stars enough.
 
you golden mamas trying so big and falling down so much, i love you. i love you when you’re on the ground in survival mode and i love you for seeing the light to try again.

HELLO. human on the other side of this screen. It’s me Brooke. human on this side of this screen. Here to tell you that your family matters and not just in the documentation of everybody smiling or the log of special activities you do. If you want something deeper than that, I’d love to be your girl. Contact me about your photo sesh and let’s make this happen.
P.S. are you a photographer human on the other side of this screen? Join my free non-spammy Facebook group and get my guide to being delightfully different delivered straight to yo inbox.