what am i waiting for?
words have felt dry even though i’ve been creating like crazy–creating epic pb + j sandwiches, podcast episodes, diaper changes, contributing to creating happy kids, and kids who think i’m the worst. i’ve been frozen in my ‘public’ creation–letting perfect be the enemy of good in this area even though i’m on fire in others. if i’m being honest, i’ve wanted to quit more in the last month than i ever have. not because i don’t want to take pictures. not because i’m over it–i’m definitely still crazy in love with photography, and more convinced than ever of the magnitude of family photographs. so my wanting to quit has been mostly selfish, just a reflection of the adjustment of mental space now that there’s another human to take care of in the mix of my dreams, my dreams for my family, me, the world. the emotional bandwidth required to do everything i want to do is out of reach–and so my brain was like, dude, we should just quit everything.
but instead of quitting, or believing, this is all too much for me–i’m leaning into believing that this is just a transition. expansion is an uncomfortable change. no one talks about the pain of success–and here i am, living so many of my dreams, nursing my baby while i chase more dreams, supremely grateful for the opportunity to do it and still, uncomfortable, overwhelmed, but those words make it sound so negative. i can sit back and watch it with fascination and interest, like watching a balloon inflate. there’s tension there. and it’s beautiful.
somewhere along the way i internalized the idea that family should/could be only happy. only joyful and loving, and if you did it right that’s how it would be. but now i see the beauty in the tension. the struggle to inflate, grow, be yourself in the middle of a bunch of other people trying to be themselves too. we live a hundred lives in our minds and then collide with a hundred more inside these four walls. it’s not comfortable. but gosh it’s beautiful.
hey. if you’re in southern california or coming to visit i’d love to photograph your family! send me an email and i’ll send you all the pricing + details for fall family sessions.
